I think it’s in our human DNA that we want to stay – we want the people to stay. What happens when you have to leave? How do you grope with satisfying your heart’s desire to stay & to be known & fully loved?
“Waiting for My Time to Come” by Colony House has deeply moved me. Their two music videos sum up the dual wait my heart faces. A little cartoon illustrates the waiting & need for heavenly renewal. The second video has the lead singer (and eventually the whole band) pushing on doors that are locked. Only when he throws up his hands in frustration does he get the idea that he should just walk through the walls without pushing.
2016 was a year of pushing. I begged God for my high school graduation to be over. I begged God for my education and for a chance to live on the mountain – for the finances to work out – for my roommates to be friends. I begged Him to find a way for me to stay on the mountain next year. One night, while standing on the edge of the mountain with hands open, face upward, Chattanooga lights glittering below and clear stars above, I cried the words, “Please God.” (I’m not being literarily dramatic in giving you that picture, the setting is really that romantic!) In hindsight, I unfortunately see I was telling God: I know what is best right now because you’ve made it very clear to me in the past and your answer must stay the same now. I know it couldn’t be any other way. Even though my heart had strayed from humility, talking to God out loud had enormous effects. The conversation flowed, and I knew this relationship was real.
Maybe 2017 doesn’t feel different for me because I’m still struggling with change as I have in years past. I still feel like I’m waiting for my time to come. I know I’m pushing on the doors and yet won’t surrender and throw up my hands. I believe we tend to think of change as failure. It’s failure to stay – failure to get it right on the first try. Failure to be connected. Through all of this supposed failure, I know it’s when I stop trying to accomplish my plans and dreams based upon my own calculations then the year will truly start anew. God is sovereign through change, and I am truly excited for what is to come.
There’s a lot of life to live – for you, and for me. I know big changes are approaching, and you know what changes are shining in your eyes. I think the overwhelming “new” feeling will return. I’ll keep waiting. Yet I beg of myself to not look down in shame, in presumed judgement, in hopelessness. Those things that make you look down in shame – open your clenched fist and stop pushing. 2017 is change, again. This year does not welcome some new, grandoise revelation, but the days are not written in my story, and they’re not written for yours either. These days remain a mystery. You are sixteen going on seventeen.